


this is all there is

by tolvsmol



Series: bittersweet & delicate [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Harry, M/M, i really reall y dont know how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 23:04:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11999802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tolvsmol/pseuds/tolvsmol
Summary: a collection of letters harry wrote to louis but never sent.





	this is all there is

_November 27, 2010_

Hey, love.

It’s been almost two weeks since I last heard from you. All my calls and texts have gone unanswered and I miss you. I feel like I’m losing you, but I don’t know why and, Lou, I’m worried. You’re not talking to me, and that’s not normal, and I don’t know how you are, but I want you home. it’s silly and childish, maybe a little dramatic, but please come home to me.

Yours,

Harry

*

~~Just realized I can’t send this because I haven’t a clue where in New York you are. There’s an ocean between us and I don’t know where to start looking for you.~~

* * *

_December 7, 2010_

Louis, I keep calling and you keep dodging me. You said you’ll call me back, but it’s been a week since you said that, and I’m always waiting by the bloody phone just… just waiting to hear your voice but you’re not calling and I don’t want to be a pain in your arse if you don’t want to talk to me, so just, please, Lou, just tell me what you do want. If you’re tired of me, if you’ve found someone else already, just tell me to bugger off so I can tell myself to stop. It’s like, I know I’m probably being dramatic because it’s us, right? It’s you and me, and we’ll be okay, this is just a bump in the road, but I’m so scared, Lou. I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but I just miss you so much, babe, please. I love you.

Yours,

Harry

* * *

 

_December 24, 2010_

Happy birthday, Blue.

I texted you at midnight and it’s been almost 24 hours and I haven’t heard back yet. Are you with your family? I hope you are. I hope you’re surrounded by people who love you most in the world.

I’m trying to give you space, Lou. It’s why I haven’t been calling and texting as much. I don’t know what I did or didn’t do, but I’m fine waiting for you because I know you’ll come back one day. You promised me on a pink piece of paper and I’m holding you to it. I got you a ring. Actually, I got two rings, one for both of us, and I’m waiting till you get back so I can give you yours. Come back soon, babe.

This year, like all years, I wish you all the love in the world, but most of all I wish it from me.

Yours,

Harry

* * *

_January 17, 2011_

Louis William Tomlinson, you insufferable bastard, I’ve woken up from a dream just now. You and I were getting married by a lake with just our families there and there were a million butterflies and white flowers everywhere, and it was literally my dream wedding and I cannot stop fucking crying because I don’t know where the fuck you are and I miss you, fuck, Louis, I miss you so much. I can’t remember the last time I heard you laugh and I fucking miss the way you kissed me breathless and I miss your stupid, _stupid_ jokes that no one else found funny. God, where are you, Blue? I just want to kiss you and hold you in my arms and remind myself you weren’t a pipedream. I have half a mind to walk through all of England and swim the Atlantic, so I can tell you in person how much I bloody fucking hate you because I deserve better than a twink who walks out on me when I plan to love him for the rest of my life.

* * *

 

_March 4, 2011_

I can’t remember who I was before you. I know that at some point we were just us. Harry was Harry, and Louis was Louis, and we were two separate entities. But when I look back, all I know is this: I was yours before I realized it, and you have been mine since before we were us. So what went wrong? You’ve always been my lilac under the summer sky, my tulip in the winter breeze, and you made flowers grow in my lungs, but they’re dead without you and now I feel like I can’t breathe. When will you come back, lovely, even if it’s to say goodbye? At least grant me the chance to remember that, because I can’t even remember how our last kiss felt. Please.

Yours sincerely,

Harry

 

* * *

_May 12, 2011_

Hi, Lou,

I went on a date today. Zayn forced me to go, said I need to start forgetting about you. It was funny, when he said it, because imagine that. Imagine a world in which I forget about you. It’d be like forgetting how to breathe, or laugh, or live. Not that I do a whole lot of any of that anymore, but you get what I’m trying to say. How do I forget you when you’re everywhere I go, every beat of my broken heart reminding me that you’re not next to me? Anyway. I went on a date with this girl named Crystal and I ended up just talking about you. Told her how much you hurt me and how much I love you. How much I can’t wait to hold you again and how much the thought of seeing you again scares me. Because what if you don’t want me? What if I see you and you’ve got your arms around someone else? What if I just become a chapter in your past, maybe a lone paragraph, and the rest of your story is written with someone else at the center of it? So I told her about you and she told me about the girl who broke her heart and we were just two kids trying to mend ourselves, but I don’t know if that’s a possibility for me.

We kissed, too. I walked her home and she said we should, just so no one could say we didn’t try. So she kissed me and I felt nothing – just her lips on mine and when she pulled away, I was crying. I was crying because I missed you, fuck. Fuck. Louis, I miss you so much and it’s making me fucking bleed. You promised me, Lou. You fucking promised me the entire world, promised me all of forever, but you’ve left me with nothing but a bleeding heart and I don’t know how to fix it. Come back to me, darling, please, please, come back. Please.

Yours,

Harry

* * *

  _July 18, 2011_

Louis Tomlinson, I don’t want to live without you. I am so fucking tired of trying to pretend like I’m okay, like I haven’t been struggling to breathe every day. Because that’s how it is, Lou – I try and remember what it felt like to have a heart that doesn’t hurt when it beats. I try and remember what it felt like to laugh with you and feel your heart beating against mine. I try and remember what it felt like to have my best friend with me, knowing he promised to be with me forever, knowing he said he’d choose me above all else, always. I miss you, you bastard. I miss you more and more every day and I feel like one of these days I’m going to _die_ because of it. I almost begged your mum to ring you and tell you how much I love you, tell you how much you’re hurting me every day that you don’t talk to me. But I didn’t, Lou. What’s that going to help me? I gave you time and I gave you space to think things through, I was ready to talk when you were, I was ready to fight for us, but you were never ready. You never called me. Never said you were sorry for ignoring me for days and weeks. So I didn’t say anything to her. But I’m saying it now, even if you never read these words, but I’m saying them to you now.

Here’s what I miss every day when I wake up: your laugh, your smile, your kisses, your cold hands, the tiny cluster of freckles by your nose, the one time you cooked for me and promised there’d be countless more. I miss you wearing my clothes and I miss you spending the night over in my too small bed, watching the plastic stars with me. I miss you pressing your hand against my chest and counting along with my heartbeat. I miss coming to your house and making breakfast for you and the girls. I miss skipping class with you and snogging in the empty halls. I miss my best friend. I miss my favorite person. I miss feeling whole.

I hope you miss me too, sometimes.

Yours,

Harry

* * *

_October 28, 2011_

This is goodbye, Blue.

I’ve slowly come to accept the fact that you’re not coming back to me, perhaps never wanted to, and that’s okay. You deserve to be somewhere you’re happy. It still hurts, god, it hurts like hell, but I’m letting you go. You don’t want to be tied to me anymore and I won’t keep you hostage. Fly high, Louis. Let your light shine. If you ever want to come back, just look at the stars and they’ll guide you home.

Always yours,

Harry

* * *

_December 24, 2011_

Happy birthday, my love. I hope it's a wonderful one. 

 Yours, 

Harry

* * *

_December 24, 2012_

Happy birthday, Lou. Maybe one day I can tell you in person. 

Love, 

Harry 

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: rosesau


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